“I met Mike at a Christian holiday conference in the summer of 88. I was a single parent and so was he at the time. My mother was intent on getting us together, and she succeeded.” Mary remembers Mike’s eyes were very, very blue and he was very quiet. “It was really hard to get him engaged in conversation, but I quite liked that. It made me all the more determined to get him to talk to me. Nothing happened that week, although he squeezed my hand on the last night, which sounds a bit sappy, but, then I knew there was an attraction there.” Both having children made it easy to bond and the girls became friends, the relationship between Mike and Mary grew. “The girls were of a similar age. He had two daughters, I had one. They thought we were meeting so that they could play together. We just took a year and then we got married, and then they moved up to live with me.”

In 2011 Mary started to notice a change in Mike, small and gradual. The couple had run an independent Christian nursery in primary school and in 2011 decided to retire. Mike first and Mary reduced her days for a year working two days a week to give the parents continuity. This meant that every week Mary worked away. “I was travelling backwards and forwards every week. That was when it became apparent that something wasn't quite right. Mike didn't like it. He had always been a very independent guy but instead, he started to come with me every week.”

As time passed his behaviours changed more and at times was very difficult for Mary to manage, not only keeping Mike safe but dealing with his changes too. “I found myself having to lock ourselves in. We lived in a place where people knew him and he knew his way to the paper shop. He did that for a long, long time and he had that sort of freedom in the town. People would know, he didn't really get into difficulty, but they would sort of point him in the right direction. But, when he started to talk about his parents had been in a crash, he needed to go to find them.” It was scary for Mary, and living with the fear that he may wander further or worse. “I didn't want him to go out on his own so we'd go out together, and we did a lot of walking.”

The time came when he had to give up driving another huge thing for the couple to deal with, a significant loss of independence but one that was necessary not only for his safety but for others on the roads too. “He didn't like giving up driving. That was a big thing for him and then he got angry. I can understand the frustration totally.” This frustration caused a reaction in Mike and the safe haven of home for Mary was not the same “At times the frustration came from not being able to make me understand what it was he wanted, and he got angry. Not violent but really angry. You say that your home is your comfort zone, your safe place, and it became not the safe place and not the comfort zone, because when when we were home, I would lock all the doors and move the keys. Sometimes, he'd get really frustrated that he couldn't go out.” 

“I went long months and months without seeing him. It wasn't till 2021 that they began to relax a bit in visiting, we couldn't go into his room or anything and could only see him outside. I could see that he deteriorated through that time. Would have happened if it hadn't been locked down? I'm convinced that with my continued presence and emotional support, he wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly. Of course, I could call him, and the staff would also face time me, but then there were times he didn't want to speak to me or he didn't know who I was.”

Mary’s world had changed so drastically. Not having the contact, she was so used to having with her husband for over 30 years. She lost her husband emotionally and physically now her time with him was restricted. “I was pretty desperate because one day I saw him and then that was it. I couldn't explain to him why. Did he think that I deserted him, that I had put in there and then I disappeared from his life. That's a hard thing to live with. Even now, I still wonder whether that's what he thought. That's when I started walking I used to find it would really help my mind and my well-being.” It’s hard to imagine life changing for the couple so much in such a short space of time.

The last few weeks for Mary were precious albeit difficult times “Those last few weeks were very special. But it was very distressing because he was very agitated. He was eating and drinking less and less, he was drinking less than less. I bought anything that I thought he would try. I spent ages with him to right to the end to get him to eat or drink. He was always very slim build, but he'd lost so much weight and looked very gaunt. But, even so, if I held his hand or he spoke to me, he would say, Love you too. That's, you know, probably the last thing he said. Which means a lot.”

Mary spoke about how she believes that she could have spent more time holding and cuddling him at an earlier stage, one that was cruelly stolen from them by the pandemic. “I’d put my head on his pillow to comfort him. In his first care home, I bought a bigger bed, because I wanted to be able to lie and hold him, so that we could sit next to each other on a proper sheet, not a plastic-coated one. I didn't do that with the last care home because things had gone a bit too far. Not having that physical touch from anybody makes a huge difference to you, doesn't it? I was trying to make up for it, but he didn't always want it because he's quite sensitive at times and didn't want to be touched.”

At the end when Mike passed away, he was surrounded by Mary and their daughters “It was not only me, two daughters came and slept as well. The night he died we were sitting around the bed, singing and playing music, eating chocolate. So, the last things he heard were his family around him talking, and laughing and we prayed with him. I was very grateful because I have friends who didn't have anything like that kind of access to their partners before they died.”

The end of Mike’s life is difficult for Mary to think about, it was a time marred by the pandemic to add to the heartbreak of losing her husband and rock. To watch him change and the end is not what Mary wants to remember. “I used to take photos every time I went but it got to the point where I didn't because I didn't think I would want to look back at those particular photos. I’d take photos of our hands, holding hands, that sort of thing. But it was distressing to see him like that at the end, I tried not to focus on that aspect. I do get flashbacks of those things and it's painful.”

The end is not how Mary would like to remember Mike, that was not really him, her husband and partner. “He was quiet, I'm the noisy one. He was the one who calmed me down and he was so loyal. Very, very supportive of everything I did. He was always in the background, fit, athletic, and very intelligent. He was my security. He had my back! I would like him to be remembered as just a strong loving father, husband and friend.”

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